helo or hi or watever

XTIAN


"its been a while since nag usap tayo and nag iisip isip ako...

madami akong tanong sayo pero di ko masabi.. naguguluhan din ako, actually naguguluhan ako sayo.

alam ko youre in the moment of your life na mhirap coz of your current break up with your gf, i know that you still love her. i know that and i dont want to make it hard for you kaya nanahimik ako.

gusto kita raimus, as in alot. pero di ko alam kung gusto mo din ako. i know i am not perfect, for one, i am not a girl. but i am somebody who is ready to love you, honestly whole heartedly and unconditionally. just let me.

pero ayoko ipilit sarili ko sayo. alam ko nakukulitan ka na din sakin. hindi ko alam kung TH b ko, pero i felt a connection with you in the last instances that we are together. di ko alam kung tama b o mali.

i am not expecting a reply from this message. but if you will do so, thank you. kung hindi, maybe that would be the right time for me to move on and let my heart beat for somebody else. i want to be love now, and i hope by you. pero kung hindi talaga pede, maybe i deserve somebody else. just always remember that i had happy times nung mga panahon na kasama kita. thank you. and take care of your self. be happy."

RAIMUS

"thx for understanding, ryt now im still trying to move on, pero im doing good naman eh,"

XTIAN again

"hmm... tama ka. hindi mo p kaya sabihin talaga ngayun.. coz youre still in love with her. i am willing to wait.. sana worth it yung patience ko. pero rai, sana wag matagal kasi baka may ibang dumating. ikaw talaga gusto ko. pero kung ayaw mo sakin wala ako magagwa.

maghihintay ako hanggang sabihin mo n yung dapat mong sabihin. pero sana sa panahon n yun... mahal p din kita.

for now. i keep my silence and let you heal. pero hindi n ko aasa sayo."


TANGA BA KO O TALAGANG MAHAL KO LANG TALAGA SIYA... AYOKO SIYA IWAN SA MGA PANAHON NA TO... PERO SIYA NAGTUTULAK SAKIN PALAYO...

I met raimus last year when I am with my college frends in Baclaran. (galing kami sa Makati to look for a company for our OJT)Biglang dumaan tong lalaking guwapo na medyo chubby (na most of the time i like), then out of my shock, kilala siya ng mga friends ko, apparently, they were classmates way back in high school. Then ayun, kamustahan sila... ako deadma lang... pero nakatingin ako sa kanya and he was looking back to me as well. I got his number from my friends then txted him but unfortunately, he has a girlfriend at that time so he actually rejected me at once though i know that he is PLU (people like us). Ok. Deadma. Comatose ako sa kanya.

three months later...
AMPUTA, biglang tumunog cellphone ko! Number na hindi ko kilala... "hu u??"... "raimus to, yung frend ni cams"... OMG! WTF! TMTH! what on earth?? and then we texted... we met again in cams place... for a couple of times... i flirted.. he flirted back but he still has his chakaness GF at that time...

AT ayun na nga... isang araw... umagang umaga... CHAT sa YM...

"BREAK na KAMI".

Two Months of Nothingness

Yes. I am blogging again after two months of keeping my silence and trying to hide all the mysteries which are happening to me over these two months. Here I am again thinking of things which I don't usually do. Randomness. Is this a sign of officially being unemployed? Of being a BUMMER. Waahh...!!!??

Anyways, in spite of the fact that I am not busy nowadays, and practically doing nothing; one thing which made me finally decide to write again is the reality of continuing this chronicle. And I want to make it commercial now. OOPS! I am not advertising this blog but I just want to communicate to other bloggers out there and probably meet new friends. And yes, I will come out now. This is my personal diary now and I will detail all the things which are happening to my life now as well as the dark past which made me like this.

And DUH! For now, I will use my native tongue in writing. Hindi ko kasi ma express maigi ang sarili ko sa English. Hindi naman sa masyado akong "trying hard" mag english, pero dati gusto ko yun ang gamitin para mas maigsi. But now, I will mixed it up with Filipino words.

Retreat

Last two days ago I had my retreat in Batangas. Since I was graduating, this one is so much memorable coz it is the last time that I will have this solemn moment with my classmates and friends. But this post is not about that "retreat". I dont wanna make that one a special event because it did not actually help me or should I say, I was not cleansed at all. I am still the same sinner. I am still the rag which I was before.

What I mean by retreat is my withdrawal from the battle. I dont want to fight anymore with this life. I was 12 when I became suicidal and until now, I am still in that thinking. Many people would say I was such and idiot to do that. But they dont really understand me. They dont know anything about my past. The hardship that I am struggling to escape. Of being a gay and of being alone and hopeless.

A classmate told me something which made me feel more insecure about my self. That most of the people in my school hated me. My school is a little huge and with the four years that I have stayed there, I met lots of people. But to find out that I was popular for being a sarcastic air-headed insecure gay-bitch, is an awe. I was about to cry when I heard about that. It really broke my heart, it jolted my system, my sanity. AM I THAT MEAN TO BE PERCEIVED like that? They dont even know me. But yes, that is exactly the point, they dont know me and that is just their impression.

I dont want to continue this post anymore. I need to collect my self first. I want to be vanish again. I want to escape.

UPDATES. Randomness

Since the year came, I was so lazy to blog and I don't know what's blocking me to write and share my crazy thoughts in this page. Maybe because I don't want to say anything out loud and just keep it inside my system. Yes! I am becoming to be more MASOCHIST. I want to accumulate all the hang ups and pain inside me and just continue to be so damn pitiful to myself. But for the sake of moving on in this fucking life I have, these are the updates (boring updates)...

.... I had a terrible tour (which was postponed for a while) in Pangasinan. 3 days of a hell life living in a place which you can just trade of living in hell. I don't want to detail about that anymore. I HATE that tour!

.... I am so busy (or should I say trying to get busy) with my school works. Many deadlines and exams. But at least in a matter of a month now, this will all be gone and a new chapter will be turn.

.... I had a fight with my father. How I wish he wasn't my father. ( I will detail this soon)

.... My sister's package arrived already after three long waiting months. I have my Chuck Taylor and Shisha there. Love it!

.... I feel completely blank this past few days or weeks. I feel so alone. I feel tired of being sole. hayss...

.... Nothing more I think.

I told you it was hell boring. My life is hopeless. All I want to do right now is disappear.

I am LOST.

Its 2009 now and in a matter of three months, at least, I will be getting my diploma for my degree. Yes, it is very nice to hear that I will, finally after the rocky road which I had gone through, taste the sweetness of being a college graduate.

But wait,is it really the most awaited finale of my life or it is just the beginning of a more challenging, mind-boggling and hormones-raging chapter of this f*ckin life I have. Recently, I was trying to figure out the right thing for me to do after I graduate. The path that I should take. Actually, my degree is kinda flexible with regards to employment and I am confident of my credentials and my potentials as a professional, but the thing is, I have this predicament of taking the more healthy opportunity to work abroad or stay here in Pinas with a not-so competent salary.

Maybe, people would say that this situation is just a piece of cake. They would say that definitely I should take my chances in foreign land because of the greener pasture. But you know what makes this situation complex, going abroad would also make me leave my parents alone here. My two older sisters had been working in other countries for quiet some time now and for the past four years, my parents and I were the one staying in our house. Its sad. Its quiet. Its boring. Most of the time I am in my school but that is a different story if I will be gone to other countries.

I asked my two sisters about my issue and they both agreed that I ought to stay for a while with my parents. It would be really difficult for my parents if all of their loving children will be away from them. I tackle this also to my mom and she agreed with my sisters but she also gave me the prerogative to make the final decision. hays...

I still have three months to think about this. And I really hope that I will make the better decision.

And then I miss him...

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things:
to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones
knowing your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go, let it go.

Yes, that is exactly what I did. I let him go in spite of the pain which I still hold to myself until now. I am not bitter. I can say, with all the courage that I had already moved on. I know how to accept realities and if I know that something is not meant for me, I loosen up my grip to that. But still I am a vulnerable to feel that sadness and cruelty of loosing somebody whom I valued most in my life. That somebody who made me feel some sort of love and affection even he doesn't show so much emotions.

I met Migi when I transferred to La Salle, we were in first year then (actually that was supposed to be my 3rd year in college). He was the first person which I noticed in the class because he was so cute, he's like a true celebrity. And when I say celebrity as in goooood-looking. So he became my crush. I know at that time that he is like me, he is very demure-shy-type-with-a-nice-cute-smile. But to cut this story short, I tried to be-close to him and I was successful. We became super close friends because we are same even if we are in the opposite side of the spectrum. We don't have anything in common, as in nothing. But still we became best friends. And my crush thinggy to him suddenly vanished because I valued our friendship.

The rest of this story will be post next time... This is one of the stories which I will repeatedly tell to anyone else.

I was chatting to April a while ago. Then she said that Migi is online in YM, she asked if I want to get the ID and I affirmed. I message him but he did not respond. I was like a kid telling April that he did not respond and she told me that Migi was offline already coz he will do some important things. She then send me their whole conversation in YM. I read it. Every bit of that conversation struck my whole being. I don't know why. Maybe because I felt that I am the one he was chatting to in that conversation. Yes, I miss him. In their conversation he said that he misses us(his friends) all too . *sigh

PS. Migi is my best friend before, but we parted ways because of some immature and irrelevant reasons. And since then, we did not hang out anymore.

This is the old fun days.

Just Kill Me

This past few weeks have been such a busy one for me (or I am just making it so complicated). Many things happened, and for so many reasons, I am down again. I am concealing again the pain and hatred which I have inside of me. I wanna die now. I wanna end this once and for all. But I don't have the strength to stop my journey. This damn journey!

There is no reason for me to be happy. (Am i just too insecure and envious or this is the right feeling)

Christmas is just around the corner. The Holidays as they say. The right season to be happy. The cold breeze which makes people feel the true spirit of giving and loving. And then me. Here. Alone. Tired. Pathetic. But I am still thinking, am I the only one feeling this. Do i deserved this?

I don't want to be so pitiful to myself. I know I am beginning to be so melodramatic again. But what should I do? I have alot of pressures now. Many things to accomplish. I should be responsible. I need to be productive. But how would I do this if I am so fuckin down...

BOTTOMLINE: I need some motivation.

Or just kill me.

I am tired of uttering "Im tired!"

YES! That is the statement of the week. I don't know how I reached that point. (Or am I?)I am tired of everything. Tired of thinking what's ahead of my day tomorrow. Tired of losing my self. Tired of feeling hopeless. Tired of hypocrisy. Of concealing. Of running. I am tired. And I don't know how to stop.

I NEED TO QUENCH.

I NEED SOMEONE TO PAMPER ME. (Do I?)

I NEED TO EXHAUST.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS LONELINESS. AND I REALLY NEED TO. BUT HOW?

Someday is a misused word already. I need it now. Right now.

Bend and not Break

Try to understand there's an old mistake
that fools will make and,
I'm the king of them
pushing everything that's good away so,
Won't you hold me now?

I hate myself. I know I am getting so paranoid again. Why am I always like this? Why is it that every time I love somebody, always follows that I will lose them sooner or later. Yeah I know, I am not new in this position. I had this a lot of times before, but damn shit, I still don't know how to handle this. My feelings just kill me.

I had a conversation with TJ, his my virtual Bf. As in Bestfriend/Boyfriend. Yes, that's our relationship as far as I know. Am i presumptuous? Kinda. We have been in this kind or relationship for two years now. At first we were just text mates, them call mates, (we do everything virtually) and then chat mate. We never had the time to meet each other co'z every time his going to Manila (his living in Baguio), I am not available.

This past few weeks, I seldom heard from him, he even forgot to greet me on my birthday. I was so bothered because his not texting or calling or even going online. And then last two nights ago, he popped-up on my messenger. We started chatting, asking him what happened to him. I was so calm talking to him even though I am so disappointed to his reasons. Then, the inquiry that made me realized everything...

The Start of the Chronicles

This would be the alpha of my long lost passion in writing. I had an aspiration to be a writer when i was a little younger, actually even when i am still in high school, i sometimes try to write stories or just anything for my angst to get out of my system. I was hesistant to make this blog site coz i am afraid that my wrting skill is not that sufficient enough to catch other people's attention to read my scriptures. But then again, i asked my self, is that the only reason for me to write or there would be a bigger and appropriate reason for me to make my blogs.And so it finally struck me the realization which gave me this will to start doing this.


I WILL WRITE BECAUSE I OUGHT TO. I NEED TO SHARE. FOR OTHERS. TO INSPIRE OR DESTRUCT. EITHER OR NEITHER.

So what is the rationale of my title? The chronicles of life and death. This is an album title of one of my fav band, good charlotte. And just like their songs in that album, my blog site will features everything which i had experienced in my life until the day i die.



CAUTION: I will be so brutally vulgar about my feelings. And i will write all the things which i want to say.