Retreat

Last two days ago I had my retreat in Batangas. Since I was graduating, this one is so much memorable coz it is the last time that I will have this solemn moment with my classmates and friends. But this post is not about that "retreat". I dont wanna make that one a special event because it did not actually help me or should I say, I was not cleansed at all. I am still the same sinner. I am still the rag which I was before.

What I mean by retreat is my withdrawal from the battle. I dont want to fight anymore with this life. I was 12 when I became suicidal and until now, I am still in that thinking. Many people would say I was such and idiot to do that. But they dont really understand me. They dont know anything about my past. The hardship that I am struggling to escape. Of being a gay and of being alone and hopeless.

A classmate told me something which made me feel more insecure about my self. That most of the people in my school hated me. My school is a little huge and with the four years that I have stayed there, I met lots of people. But to find out that I was popular for being a sarcastic air-headed insecure gay-bitch, is an awe. I was about to cry when I heard about that. It really broke my heart, it jolted my system, my sanity. AM I THAT MEAN TO BE PERCEIVED like that? They dont even know me. But yes, that is exactly the point, they dont know me and that is just their impression.

I dont want to continue this post anymore. I need to collect my self first. I want to be vanish again. I want to escape.

UPDATES. Randomness

Since the year came, I was so lazy to blog and I don't know what's blocking me to write and share my crazy thoughts in this page. Maybe because I don't want to say anything out loud and just keep it inside my system. Yes! I am becoming to be more MASOCHIST. I want to accumulate all the hang ups and pain inside me and just continue to be so damn pitiful to myself. But for the sake of moving on in this fucking life I have, these are the updates (boring updates)...

.... I had a terrible tour (which was postponed for a while) in Pangasinan. 3 days of a hell life living in a place which you can just trade of living in hell. I don't want to detail about that anymore. I HATE that tour!

.... I am so busy (or should I say trying to get busy) with my school works. Many deadlines and exams. But at least in a matter of a month now, this will all be gone and a new chapter will be turn.

.... I had a fight with my father. How I wish he wasn't my father. ( I will detail this soon)

.... My sister's package arrived already after three long waiting months. I have my Chuck Taylor and Shisha there. Love it!

.... I feel completely blank this past few days or weeks. I feel so alone. I feel tired of being sole. hayss...

.... Nothing more I think.

I told you it was hell boring. My life is hopeless. All I want to do right now is disappear.

I am LOST.

Its 2009 now and in a matter of three months, at least, I will be getting my diploma for my degree. Yes, it is very nice to hear that I will, finally after the rocky road which I had gone through, taste the sweetness of being a college graduate.

But wait,is it really the most awaited finale of my life or it is just the beginning of a more challenging, mind-boggling and hormones-raging chapter of this f*ckin life I have. Recently, I was trying to figure out the right thing for me to do after I graduate. The path that I should take. Actually, my degree is kinda flexible with regards to employment and I am confident of my credentials and my potentials as a professional, but the thing is, I have this predicament of taking the more healthy opportunity to work abroad or stay here in Pinas with a not-so competent salary.

Maybe, people would say that this situation is just a piece of cake. They would say that definitely I should take my chances in foreign land because of the greener pasture. But you know what makes this situation complex, going abroad would also make me leave my parents alone here. My two older sisters had been working in other countries for quiet some time now and for the past four years, my parents and I were the one staying in our house. Its sad. Its quiet. Its boring. Most of the time I am in my school but that is a different story if I will be gone to other countries.

I asked my two sisters about my issue and they both agreed that I ought to stay for a while with my parents. It would be really difficult for my parents if all of their loving children will be away from them. I tackle this also to my mom and she agreed with my sisters but she also gave me the prerogative to make the final decision. hays...

I still have three months to think about this. And I really hope that I will make the better decision.

Is it really a MERRY XMAS??

My sister from Dubai asked me to do a task for the Christmas. Since she and my other sister were abroad working, it is only me and my parents who will be celebrating(this is the second consecutive year). My task is simple. I will go out with my parents to eat in some good place and if I will do so I will be rewarded(money of course hehe).So we had a "Christmas Lunch" in Le Garden which is a Hong Kong Restaurant. It is located at Paseo de Carmona, so it is only near to our house. We were so satisfied with the foods that is why we had some take outs hehe... Merry Christmas to all...



I love my parents.. hehe!(ows???!!)

And then I miss him...

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things:
to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones
knowing your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go, let it go.

Yes, that is exactly what I did. I let him go in spite of the pain which I still hold to myself until now. I am not bitter. I can say, with all the courage that I had already moved on. I know how to accept realities and if I know that something is not meant for me, I loosen up my grip to that. But still I am a vulnerable to feel that sadness and cruelty of loosing somebody whom I valued most in my life. That somebody who made me feel some sort of love and affection even he doesn't show so much emotions.

I met Migi when I transferred to La Salle, we were in first year then (actually that was supposed to be my 3rd year in college). He was the first person which I noticed in the class because he was so cute, he's like a true celebrity. And when I say celebrity as in goooood-looking. So he became my crush. I know at that time that he is like me, he is very demure-shy-type-with-a-nice-cute-smile. But to cut this story short, I tried to be-close to him and I was successful. We became super close friends because we are same even if we are in the opposite side of the spectrum. We don't have anything in common, as in nothing. But still we became best friends. And my crush thinggy to him suddenly vanished because I valued our friendship.

The rest of this story will be post next time... This is one of the stories which I will repeatedly tell to anyone else.

I was chatting to April a while ago. Then she said that Migi is online in YM, she asked if I want to get the ID and I affirmed. I message him but he did not respond. I was like a kid telling April that he did not respond and she told me that Migi was offline already coz he will do some important things. She then send me their whole conversation in YM. I read it. Every bit of that conversation struck my whole being. I don't know why. Maybe because I felt that I am the one he was chatting to in that conversation. Yes, I miss him. In their conversation he said that he misses us(his friends) all too . *sigh

PS. Migi is my best friend before, but we parted ways because of some immature and irrelevant reasons. And since then, we did not hang out anymore.

This is the old fun days.

Just Kill Me

This past few weeks have been such a busy one for me (or I am just making it so complicated). Many things happened, and for so many reasons, I am down again. I am concealing again the pain and hatred which I have inside of me. I wanna die now. I wanna end this once and for all. But I don't have the strength to stop my journey. This damn journey!

There is no reason for me to be happy. (Am i just too insecure and envious or this is the right feeling)

Christmas is just around the corner. The Holidays as they say. The right season to be happy. The cold breeze which makes people feel the true spirit of giving and loving. And then me. Here. Alone. Tired. Pathetic. But I am still thinking, am I the only one feeling this. Do i deserved this?

I don't want to be so pitiful to myself. I know I am beginning to be so melodramatic again. But what should I do? I have alot of pressures now. Many things to accomplish. I should be responsible. I need to be productive. But how would I do this if I am so fuckin down...

BOTTOMLINE: I need some motivation.

Or just kill me.

I am tired of uttering "Im tired!"

YES! That is the statement of the week. I don't know how I reached that point. (Or am I?)I am tired of everything. Tired of thinking what's ahead of my day tomorrow. Tired of losing my self. Tired of feeling hopeless. Tired of hypocrisy. Of concealing. Of running. I am tired. And I don't know how to stop.

I NEED TO QUENCH.

I NEED SOMEONE TO PAMPER ME. (Do I?)

I NEED TO EXHAUST.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS LONELINESS. AND I REALLY NEED TO. BUT HOW?

Someday is a misused word already. I need it now. Right now.