Retreat

Last two days ago I had my retreat in Batangas. Since I was graduating, this one is so much memorable coz it is the last time that I will have this solemn moment with my classmates and friends. But this post is not about that "retreat". I dont wanna make that one a special event because it did not actually help me or should I say, I was not cleansed at all. I am still the same sinner. I am still the rag which I was before.

What I mean by retreat is my withdrawal from the battle. I dont want to fight anymore with this life. I was 12 when I became suicidal and until now, I am still in that thinking. Many people would say I was such and idiot to do that. But they dont really understand me. They dont know anything about my past. The hardship that I am struggling to escape. Of being a gay and of being alone and hopeless.

A classmate told me something which made me feel more insecure about my self. That most of the people in my school hated me. My school is a little huge and with the four years that I have stayed there, I met lots of people. But to find out that I was popular for being a sarcastic air-headed insecure gay-bitch, is an awe. I was about to cry when I heard about that. It really broke my heart, it jolted my system, my sanity. AM I THAT MEAN TO BE PERCEIVED like that? They dont even know me. But yes, that is exactly the point, they dont know me and that is just their impression.

I dont want to continue this post anymore. I need to collect my self first. I want to be vanish again. I want to escape.